<Deep voice in distance>
Yes, Brian I’m coming, don’t get your horns twisted, heh. How was your weekend, did you get a chance to take Jezebel out? Ok ok, right, busy day! I’ll just finish this coffee and we can head out to greet the new arrivals! So while we walk, when’s the next board meeting? This Thursday? Ok, set a reminder for me to bring some of those amazing donuts up with me. Yeah those ones with the sprinkles and jelly. I’m well overdue to indulge the big guy and that winged choir you know.
<Distant screaming; banging sounds>
Well hello and welcome all to the first day of the rest of your horrible, terrible lives. It’s so awful to see you! Yes, my name is Lucifer, the dapper head honcho here, and this here is Brian, my right hand helper. You’re probably surprised to see my impeccable attire, but no matter what you might have read, we hellions here take great care with our outfits. This here is a tailored suit, custom designed and fitted to my handsome frame. It’s based on my tailor’s early designs of the Nazi uniform and I recommend him to anyone! Just ask your team lead for Mr. Boss. Anyways. Welcome to Hell! Each one of you will get to experience your previous daily life turned worst nightmare every day, while engaging with our many special accommodations, activities and food. Every day will be a bad day at the office, heh! We’ve scheduled your life down here to be a continuous torment based on how you lived your life upstairs, but of course with all our frustrating temptations and, um, disappointments. So, any questions? Maybe you sir, with all the flailing and crying?
<Low voice; whipping sounds>
Yes, of course. So your deeds through life past age 15 get tallied and at the end you are judged by our esteemed clerical circle on whether you go up or down, and if you’ve secured a spot here for all damnation you’ll get scored further into one of our Sinister’s houses. You’ll meet those lovely ladies later today. The scoring system is based on a super-old book the Cloud Curators manage that starts with a couple stone slabs, and..what? Oh, right, thanks Brian, and gets added to every century. You know, changing times and new terrible dictionary terms and all. For example, helping a little old lady across the street ranks the same for good, as 1 day of wearing a man bun does for bad, like you sir, heh. So, you batch have tipped the scales into my hot little hands and voila!.. You’re number one on our punishment list!
<Indistinct female voice>
Oh, hello Karen! No, you are in the right place, no mistake here! Because of how your lives im your lives upstairs, now every day will feel like the longest, hardest, most frustrating day of your life down here. Most of you are here with us for eternity. But for some of you who were only 1 politically incorrect statement over the line, after 100 years doing your various hellish assignments, you’ll join the long queue for reincarnation.
<Combined voices of high volume chatter>
Ok, ok. Rowdy bunch this week eh Brian? Ok, so now head on over to Roger over there. Yeah the tall, dark and handsome Hellion with the fancy new diePad tablet. You’ll all get your assignments and new bunk mates from him. Oh. Except for you Social Media stars and addicts. You’ll all get solo metal rooms with spotty dial-up Internet, upload limits, and a crummy iPhone 5C, my personal favourite!
<Deep laughing; collective groans>
Hah, yes we hope you shudder at Roger’s great repertoire of dad jokes that you’ll hear all this week as you get settled. We do truly hope you have a terrible time! Oh, hey Roger? Are we still on for Wednesday poker night? Great! Ol’ Lucy here is feeling lucky!
<Muffled crying and hollering>